Ahh to quote that timeless Andy Williams tune..."So whoopdeedo, and hickory dock, and don't forget to hang up your sock!"
I apologize, that has nothing to do with anything, but the lyrical genius of working "hickory dock" into a Christmas song cannot go unrecognized...
No the time of the year I'm referring to is that joyous time when you can open up the papers and read such scenarios as "New York can clinch home field w/ A. win, Tampa Bay loss OR tie, Dallas loss B. tie, Tampa Bay loss by 40 or more, Dallas tie, St. Louis leading at half time, and Milwaukee Bucks win C. loss, New York win, Dallas overtime loss, Clinton appointment to Cabinet."
And what child doesn't eagerly await dawn on December 25th, when they run downstairs to their computers and gleefully pore over the NFL's tiebreaker scenarios?!? Best net touchdowns in all games? Best combined ranking among conference teams in points scored and points allowed? Coin Toss!?!? JOYEUX NOEL!!!
For those of you who are not well-versed in the ways of the tiebreaker (read: people with lives, people with families, people with jobs, people who have lost their virginity etc. etc. ) I, your humble Gospel Giver, have decided to provide you with a comprehensive list of what exactly has to happen for each of my top four playoff contenders to find themselves hoisting the Lombardi Trophy at the end of the year. And trust me, I know these things. I picked Seattle/San Diego as the Superbowl.
Today I give you...THE AFC EDITION!
AFC:
Tennessee Titans (11-1):
Strengths: A true Thunder/Lightning running attack, the best offensive and defensive line in the AFC, a revitalized Kerry Collins.
Weakness: Lack of playmaking wide recievers (Where have you gone, Kevin Dyson?), a defensive tackle with a perchant for getting hurt/stepping on people's faces with a be-spiked foot.
Wildcard: The Disappearing Man (from both blizters and family and friends) on the bench, ready to pretend its the Rose Bowl all over again if need be.
What Needs to Happen: The Titans are a clear favorite at this point. The loss to New York did not sway me from this point. Jeff Fisher has done a hell of a job at the helm, making the tough calls and keeping everyone happy. (Except for that little outburst from Thunder himself, LenDale White...but I have a feeling poor Lenny had low blood sugar, as he had just run out of Butterscotch Krimpets) The Titans just need to stay on point, not read their own clippings, and focus on the task at hand. Get ahead early, and then just keep on running. That's not to say its IMPOSSIBLE that Kerry Collins could lead them back from a deficet. He's done it before. However, come playoff time, you always want to be in the comfort zone...If they can dominate up front on both sides of the field, let the running do the talking, and keep Kerry Collins protected (and sober), the Titans should be playing in Miami come February.
Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3)
Strengths: Possibly the best overall defense in the NFL, highlighted by a brutal pass rush, a quarterback with postseason experience, a coach that looks like Omar Epps.
Weaknesses: Possibly the worst offensive line of any contending team in the NFL, highlighted by the amount of times their quarterback is brutally pass rushed, the single most difficult schedule since my 1st semester sophomore year (1.6 at midterm, thank you very much.)
Wildcard: Willie Parker slowly but surely returning to form.
What Needs To Happen: Boy this team gets no breaks do they? It seems like week after week, they are playing a "tough one." Yet they've hit that 9 win plateau that many said they'd be lucky to reach. Hats off to Steely McBeam (who was tossed from the Village People for being "too obvious") and the Steelers! If not for their offensive line troubles, I'd say the Steelers might be the favorite for the AFC crown, even with Tennessee. But as the wise philosopher Jim Ross once said..."If wishes were fishes, the whole world would be an ocean!" Fact of the matter is the Steelers do not match up well with the Artists Formerly Known as the Oilers. A playoff matchup with them would leave Big Ben wishing he was back on his motorcycle...Pittsburgh has to hope the Titans fall victim to an early upset to a team they match up favorably with in order to win themselves an AFC Title.
New York Jets:
Strengths: A great offense, anchored by a road grading line, a 1,000 yard rusher, and a quarterback who you may or may not be familiar with.
Weaknesses: Inconsistency, a hobby of reading the New York Post in the week following a victory.
What Needs To Happen: When the Jets defeated the Titans in Tennesseee, the Gotham sports media was already printing the Jets/Giants Superbowl merchandise. However, Denver beat the J-E-T-S pretty soundly in last Sunday's Inconsistency Bowl. The question everyone is asking is "Who are the Jets?" Are they the championship contenders who put a whoopin' on the Titans? Or are they the also-rans who lost to The Oakland Retirement Home (Where superstars and high expectations go to die)? Usually when you are asking yourself this question, you are dealing with a streaky team who isn't as good as die-hards think, but not as bad as doubters think...Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2008 New York Jets!!! Fact of the matter is the Jets (both the team and the cleverly nicknamed Favre) are at a point where they are way too inconsistent for me to consider them a Super Bowl team. Brett the Jett (I feel ill) has looked like the MVP some weeks and just another GUNSLINGAH in others. I could see the Jets losing in the first round. I could see the Jets in the AFC Title game. In that situation, the rule of thumb is pick that team out in Round 2. So there you go. For the Jets to be a serious threat, they need to be clicking on all cylinaders come January.
Indianapolis Colts (8-4):
Strengths: Peyton Manning
Weaknesses: Everything else.
What Needs to Happen: Oh Colts fans I'm just joshin' ya. They have plenty of offensive firepower...but only when Peyton is there to call goofy audibles. Without Manning, this team is hanging out with Oakland and Kansas City in the "Already Eliminated" Section of the Playoff Scenarios. And on the opposite side of the ball, they've got the same issue. The defense is shaky at best when Bob Sanders is on the field. The only issue with that is his yearly transformation from Bald Bull to Glass Joe. Personally, I think he just fakes injuries so that everyone realizes how important he is. So now that the "ARE THE COLTS FINISHED?!?" dust has settled, here they sit at 8-4. They will almost certainly be a wild card team. But both Manning and Sanders will be healthy and hungry come playoff time. I don't care who you are or where you play, you do not want to see Petyon under center come playoff time. All the sportswriting public has done has fed this beast. "Peyton is done." "The Colts are done." "Eli's a better QB." "Eli's a better Double Stuft eater." Writing off Peyton Manning is like feeding a Mogwai after midnight, people. You just don't do it. And when the Colts win the AFC, all of you people who let them slide under the radar will only have yourselves to blame.
The Rest of the Gang:
(Quick and dirty edition)
New England Patriots (7-5)
What Needs To Happen: The whole Brady injury being the biggest Belichick fake out of all time. Come on, if there's one coach who you can see pulling it off, its gotta be the Sultan of Sweatshirt, right?
Baltimore Ravens (8-4)
What Needs to Happen: This team just plain isn't as good as the rest of the AFC contenders. Good record, good season, good pick in Flacco. But they just remind me of a lame version of the Steelers team that 15-1 and lost in the 2nd round. Sorry guys, maybe next year.
Denver Broncos (7-5)
What Needs to Happen: Shanny steps into the wayback machine and picks up Steve Atwater, John Mobley and Neil Smith. The offense is Super Bowl good. The defense is Powder Puff bad. If the defense were better, nothing would stop me from picking this team from pulling a Giants and shocking everyone all the way to Miami. Its sad.
Miami Dolphins (7-5)
What Needs to Happen: A miracle.
There you have it folks. My half baked take on everything that is AFC contenders. Hopefully you can tear yourselves away from studying the Net Points Scored scenarios in the NFC South to read my NFC edition later this week. Then when everything I said is proven incorrect, be sure to check back and read my try to pretend I didn't mean all this!
Until then, this has been the Gospel.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Rays vs Phillies: RATINGS JAMBOREE!!!
Last night, I watched a perfect game of baseball. Not too long (just a shade about 3 and a half hours), very well pitched, very well managed, and just enough Philly fans grabbing the side of their faces/yelling obscenities at the screen/holding their breath moments to make the whole thing exciting. A couple of things I noticed from last evening's game (I very nearly decided to name this section Krenek's Kernels of Knowledge. It didn't occur to me until I typed out the words "KKK for short!" that I realized this would be a faux pas.)
-I felt very old when the Backstreet Boys took the field and the "Bad Boy" of the group had a hairline that receded past his ears. My entire generation is going to feel a twinge of sadness when he appears on one of those spray on hair infomericals.
-While everyone was caught up in "Will Beckett be the Beckett of old?", Cole Hamels has become Mr. Postseason, going 4-0 with a 1.55 ERA, striking out 27. That's better than Beckett was during his run with '03 Marlins, and just a hair below his legendary run with Boston last year.
-I think a documentary entitled "Charlie Manuel Jogs from Place to Place" would be funnier than half the comedies put out by Hollywood.
-Philadelphia was 0-13 with runners in scoring position, stranding a whopping 11. That's the type of statline you write about being the "reason for a loss." But winning in spite of such things is the hallmark of champions.
-Umpire Tim Welke has a very ladylike voice and that made me giggle. Then I realized giggling was ladylike. Touche Mr. Welke.
-Upton is a Five Tool player. I think a sixth tool needs to be added. "Unlikely to hit, kill, or knock up a stripper." This is a vital attribute for any athlete to possess.
-Tampa Bay looked tight last evening, which I plain don't understand. I don't even have a witty joke here. How do you survive Boston the way they did and then come out tight in your own place? Its mindblowing.
-Pedro Feliz's name is infinitely more enjoyable when translated into English...You can't tell me you wouldn't buy a "Pete Happy" jersey.
-To listen to Charlie Manuel speak, you'd never guess that this was a man who was offered a scholarship to UPenn. Yes that's right. UPenn. Ivy League UPenn.
-I never thought I'd say this, but with Mad Dog Madson and Brad Lidge in your bullpen, you have the luxury of playing a 7 inning game. Unless of course, Brad Lidge sees the ghost of Albert Pujols at the plate and slides back into his turtle shell of failure.
-Philadelphia is undefeated in World Series play when they win Games 1 and 2 (1980), but in World Series that they win Game 1 but lose Game 2 they are 0-2. (Including the very relevant 1915 Red Sox/Phillies matchup)
-As if I didn't prove that you can swing numbers anyway you want with the above paragraph, Tampa Bay has NEVER lost (or won) a World Series in franchise history after losing Game 1.
-I hate stats like the afforementioned records.
So there you have it, some Quick Hits from last evening's game one. Tonight's game should be another interesting one. The Artists Formerly Known as the Devil Rays need a victory badly tonight, as you don't want to walk into The Santa Booing, Battery Throwing, City of Brotherly Love down 0-2. With Brett Myers however, they face the type of pitcher they are not used to. Myers will come inside, brush you back, and do everything short of slapping you in the face at a block party to make you uncomfortable at the plate. Sometimes get uncomfortable and he dominates. Others respond by knocking him all around the ball park. I'm interested to see how a young, already uptight (seemingly) Rays team will respond to the domestic disturbance Myers causes in the batter's box. (Too soon?) Plus James Sheilds is 2-0 thus far this playoffs and his fellow Rays have taken to calling him Big Game James. Is THAT too soon? He can certainly earn that nickname this evening.
Hopefully we follow up a near perfect Game 1 with an equally enjoyable Game 2. The shame of it is that I would venture a guess however, that quite a few baseball fans missed out on an excellent Game 1. That's a crying shame...Do yourself a favor, whether you be a fan of the New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox, Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Mets, Everett Aqua Sox, or the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters, tune in to Game 2 this evening. The storylines are limitless...A must win for the Rays! Will Brett Myers show up? Or will his evil Philadelphia-hating bizarro twin take the mound? Can James Shield officially take the "Big Game James" nickname from the be-goggled mantle of James Worthy? All this and more, tonight on Fox!!!!
-I felt very old when the Backstreet Boys took the field and the "Bad Boy" of the group had a hairline that receded past his ears. My entire generation is going to feel a twinge of sadness when he appears on one of those spray on hair infomericals.
-While everyone was caught up in "Will Beckett be the Beckett of old?", Cole Hamels has become Mr. Postseason, going 4-0 with a 1.55 ERA, striking out 27. That's better than Beckett was during his run with '03 Marlins, and just a hair below his legendary run with Boston last year.
-I think a documentary entitled "Charlie Manuel Jogs from Place to Place" would be funnier than half the comedies put out by Hollywood.
-Philadelphia was 0-13 with runners in scoring position, stranding a whopping 11. That's the type of statline you write about being the "reason for a loss." But winning in spite of such things is the hallmark of champions.
-Umpire Tim Welke has a very ladylike voice and that made me giggle. Then I realized giggling was ladylike. Touche Mr. Welke.
-Upton is a Five Tool player. I think a sixth tool needs to be added. "Unlikely to hit, kill, or knock up a stripper." This is a vital attribute for any athlete to possess.
-Tampa Bay looked tight last evening, which I plain don't understand. I don't even have a witty joke here. How do you survive Boston the way they did and then come out tight in your own place? Its mindblowing.
-Pedro Feliz's name is infinitely more enjoyable when translated into English...You can't tell me you wouldn't buy a "Pete Happy" jersey.
-To listen to Charlie Manuel speak, you'd never guess that this was a man who was offered a scholarship to UPenn. Yes that's right. UPenn. Ivy League UPenn.
-I never thought I'd say this, but with Mad Dog Madson and Brad Lidge in your bullpen, you have the luxury of playing a 7 inning game. Unless of course, Brad Lidge sees the ghost of Albert Pujols at the plate and slides back into his turtle shell of failure.
-Philadelphia is undefeated in World Series play when they win Games 1 and 2 (1980), but in World Series that they win Game 1 but lose Game 2 they are 0-2. (Including the very relevant 1915 Red Sox/Phillies matchup)
-As if I didn't prove that you can swing numbers anyway you want with the above paragraph, Tampa Bay has NEVER lost (or won) a World Series in franchise history after losing Game 1.
-I hate stats like the afforementioned records.
So there you have it, some Quick Hits from last evening's game one. Tonight's game should be another interesting one. The Artists Formerly Known as the Devil Rays need a victory badly tonight, as you don't want to walk into The Santa Booing, Battery Throwing, City of Brotherly Love down 0-2. With Brett Myers however, they face the type of pitcher they are not used to. Myers will come inside, brush you back, and do everything short of slapping you in the face at a block party to make you uncomfortable at the plate. Sometimes get uncomfortable and he dominates. Others respond by knocking him all around the ball park. I'm interested to see how a young, already uptight (seemingly) Rays team will respond to the domestic disturbance Myers causes in the batter's box. (Too soon?) Plus James Sheilds is 2-0 thus far this playoffs and his fellow Rays have taken to calling him Big Game James. Is THAT too soon? He can certainly earn that nickname this evening.
Hopefully we follow up a near perfect Game 1 with an equally enjoyable Game 2. The shame of it is that I would venture a guess however, that quite a few baseball fans missed out on an excellent Game 1. That's a crying shame...Do yourself a favor, whether you be a fan of the New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox, Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Mets, Everett Aqua Sox, or the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters, tune in to Game 2 this evening. The storylines are limitless...A must win for the Rays! Will Brett Myers show up? Or will his evil Philadelphia-hating bizarro twin take the mound? Can James Shield officially take the "Big Game James" nickname from the be-goggled mantle of James Worthy? All this and more, tonight on Fox!!!!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I Love This Game
After the Billy Goat reared his ugly head and the 2008 Brewers died of complications from Happy to Be Here Syndrome (May they rest in peace), baseball fans were captivated with the prospect of the Dodgers meeting up with the Red Sox in the World Series...Joe Torre and Manny Ramirez vs the city of Boston? That's the kind of drama that fans (and network heads) salivate over. I was excited too, talking about the prospect of the Boston brass essentially paying baseball's own Rainman to defeat them in World Series. Joe Torre exacting his revenge on the long-hated Sox (all the while thumbing his nose at the Steinbrenner boys who more or less forced him out the door) would be the feel good story of the year. Plus, what kind of garbage would Red Sox Nation pelt Manny with upon his return to Fenway? It was too juicy NOT to talk about.
But the Philadelphia Phillies had different plans, taking the first two games of the NLCS. Meanwhile, over in Tampa Bay, the Rays continued to urinate on conventional baseball logic, winning Game 2 despite a seemingly demoralizing loss in Game 1. Suddenly everything was turned upside down...Would we ACTUALLY see the Stocker for Abreu (trademarked by Joe Giglio) World Series? But aha! Los Doyers took Game 3 and Jon Lester was prepared to take the mound for the Red Sox at Fenway. It seemed we were back on our way to the high drama we so desperately craved.
But today was a day that no one could have predicted. First, the Rays took the urinating to a new level with their undressing of the Red Sox in front of the Fenway Faithful. They apparently never got the memo that Jon Lester was unhittable and knocked him all around the ballpark, en route to shocking 9-1 victory that no one saw coming. If nothing else, the Rays gave regained home field advantage and spit in the eye of the Green Monster.
Then, as Red Sox Nation was collectively picking their jaws up off the floor, baseball's eyes turned to The City of Angels for a crucial Game 4. The game did not disappoint. Both teams fought incredibly hard. However, it began to look more and more like the Dodgers were going to pull the rabbit out of their hats and change the entire makeup of the series...Until Shane Victorino and journeyman Matt Stairs sent the city of LA and Fox Network exectutives into a deep depression with their 8th inning homeruns. One (admittedly shaky) Brad Lidge save later, the Philadelphia Phillies were one win away from their first World Series since The Joe Carter Incident of '93.
Is the dream of Red Sox/Dodgers over? Absolutley not, you need to win 4 games to win the pennant, something neither the Phillies nor the Rays have done yet. If that does indeed happen, will the television ratings be consideribly lower? You bet...But so be it. The Artists Formerly Known as the Devil Rays and the Phillies would match up pretty damn well. The haven't met this season, so there'd be some intrigue. From a purely baseball point of view, it'd be great.
And as for you people who like some drama sauce on top of your baseball sundae? Look no further than the image of a 40 year old man, wearing his 11th different uniform, leaning against a dugout rail, trying to blink away the tears that come from making the jump from being a way past your prime journeyman to being a hero to a city desperate for one with one swing of your bat.
I love this game, ladies and gentlemen.
But the Philadelphia Phillies had different plans, taking the first two games of the NLCS. Meanwhile, over in Tampa Bay, the Rays continued to urinate on conventional baseball logic, winning Game 2 despite a seemingly demoralizing loss in Game 1. Suddenly everything was turned upside down...Would we ACTUALLY see the Stocker for Abreu (trademarked by Joe Giglio) World Series? But aha! Los Doyers took Game 3 and Jon Lester was prepared to take the mound for the Red Sox at Fenway. It seemed we were back on our way to the high drama we so desperately craved.
But today was a day that no one could have predicted. First, the Rays took the urinating to a new level with their undressing of the Red Sox in front of the Fenway Faithful. They apparently never got the memo that Jon Lester was unhittable and knocked him all around the ballpark, en route to shocking 9-1 victory that no one saw coming. If nothing else, the Rays gave regained home field advantage and spit in the eye of the Green Monster.
Then, as Red Sox Nation was collectively picking their jaws up off the floor, baseball's eyes turned to The City of Angels for a crucial Game 4. The game did not disappoint. Both teams fought incredibly hard. However, it began to look more and more like the Dodgers were going to pull the rabbit out of their hats and change the entire makeup of the series...Until Shane Victorino and journeyman Matt Stairs sent the city of LA and Fox Network exectutives into a deep depression with their 8th inning homeruns. One (admittedly shaky) Brad Lidge save later, the Philadelphia Phillies were one win away from their first World Series since The Joe Carter Incident of '93.
Is the dream of Red Sox/Dodgers over? Absolutley not, you need to win 4 games to win the pennant, something neither the Phillies nor the Rays have done yet. If that does indeed happen, will the television ratings be consideribly lower? You bet...But so be it. The Artists Formerly Known as the Devil Rays and the Phillies would match up pretty damn well. The haven't met this season, so there'd be some intrigue. From a purely baseball point of view, it'd be great.
And as for you people who like some drama sauce on top of your baseball sundae? Look no further than the image of a 40 year old man, wearing his 11th different uniform, leaning against a dugout rail, trying to blink away the tears that come from making the jump from being a way past your prime journeyman to being a hero to a city desperate for one with one swing of your bat.
I love this game, ladies and gentlemen.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
The Instant Gospel on Week Six
Wow! Wasn't Week Six an action-packed, wild weekend!?!? So many close games! So many wild finishes! So many...
OK, let's cut the BS. I didn't log on immediately following this afternoon's games to discuss the Rams pulling a Milton Waddams on the Initech of good feelings the Redskins had been building. Nor did I come here to discuss that wild and crazy game of between the Dolphins and Texans in what is being called the Greatest Game Ever Played Between Two Teams Who Inevitably Will Be Picking Between 10-20 Come April (look for it on ESPN Classic tomorrow). And I doubt you want my opinions on the performance of Charlie Frye in the loss to Green Bay today...
No I logged on here to discuss one team and one team only. And that is your Super Bowl Champions, The Dallas Cowboys!!!
Wait...what's that you say? The Super Bowl doesn't get played til February? Oh I see. Well, why are they bothering? Have you read the Cowboys roster? Tony Romo, Marion Barber, Terrell Owens, Jason Witten, DeMarcus Ware...The list goes on and on! Plus they added Adam Jones! You know, the cornerback from Tennessee? Former TNA Tag Team Champion? Throw that in and they are a mortal lock for the Super Bowl! And don't you worry about chemistry issues. They've got Sheriff Wade Phillips, whose "good ol' boys will be good ol' boys" attitude is perfect for this team!
At least that's what it seemed like every single publication was telling us this offseason. All I heard from the end of Giants/Patriots up til and including around 7:35 PM was "Dallas Dallas Dallas!" Pay no mind to the fact that if you add up Tony Romo and Wade Phillips' playoff victories and multiply the sum by 50....you get a big fat zero. And I guess it slipped everyone's mind that one Mr. T. Eldorado Owens is the single most selfish player currently in sports. And don't even get me started on the walking, talking, rainmaking distraction himself, Adam Jones.
But it was made abundantly clear today out in Glendale, Arizona that this Dallas Cowboys team will never win a Super Bowl. They won't even play in one. In fact, I doubt they will win a playoff game. They have a ton of talent. They are probably, top to bottom, the most talented team in all of football. But they lack something that makes champions.
Heart.
And unfortunately for the NFL's Tin Men, there is no great and powerful Oz hiding behind any curtains to give them something to cure the finger pointing, the pouting, and the arm waving. And even if there was a Wizard, nothing in his big black bag would keep Adam Jones from fighting in hotel bathrooms and seal Terrell Owens franchise destroying mouth shut.
There are plenty of instances in today's game (or the Bengals game for that matter) that I could point to that display the Cowboys problem. Whether its Tony Romo sitting on his butt crying to the officials instead of scrambling for a ball he fumbled (excuse me, "tucked") or T.O. sitting by himself on the bench, frowning like a preschooler on timeout or any of the countless other mini soap opera episodes that went on during today's game, the truth about the Dallas Cowboys was exposed today.
So I'm sorry to all the Cowboys fans who preordered your Super Bowl champs gear this summer...Unless Tony Romo and Friends find themselves a Yellow Brick Road within the next few weeks, there won't be a happy ending for "America's Team" (although it seems with Tank and Pac-Man, "America's Most Wanted Team" would be more fitting now.)
On paper, it may have looked like there wasn't anyone in the NFL that could trip up the Dallas Cowboys this year, but I think they (and us) all forgot about one team...themselves.
OK, let's cut the BS. I didn't log on immediately following this afternoon's games to discuss the Rams pulling a Milton Waddams on the Initech of good feelings the Redskins had been building. Nor did I come here to discuss that wild and crazy game of between the Dolphins and Texans in what is being called the Greatest Game Ever Played Between Two Teams Who Inevitably Will Be Picking Between 10-20 Come April (look for it on ESPN Classic tomorrow). And I doubt you want my opinions on the performance of Charlie Frye in the loss to Green Bay today...
No I logged on here to discuss one team and one team only. And that is your Super Bowl Champions, The Dallas Cowboys!!!
Wait...what's that you say? The Super Bowl doesn't get played til February? Oh I see. Well, why are they bothering? Have you read the Cowboys roster? Tony Romo, Marion Barber, Terrell Owens, Jason Witten, DeMarcus Ware...The list goes on and on! Plus they added Adam Jones! You know, the cornerback from Tennessee? Former TNA Tag Team Champion? Throw that in and they are a mortal lock for the Super Bowl! And don't you worry about chemistry issues. They've got Sheriff Wade Phillips, whose "good ol' boys will be good ol' boys" attitude is perfect for this team!
At least that's what it seemed like every single publication was telling us this offseason. All I heard from the end of Giants/Patriots up til and including around 7:35 PM was "Dallas Dallas Dallas!" Pay no mind to the fact that if you add up Tony Romo and Wade Phillips' playoff victories and multiply the sum by 50....you get a big fat zero. And I guess it slipped everyone's mind that one Mr. T. Eldorado Owens is the single most selfish player currently in sports. And don't even get me started on the walking, talking, rainmaking distraction himself, Adam Jones.
But it was made abundantly clear today out in Glendale, Arizona that this Dallas Cowboys team will never win a Super Bowl. They won't even play in one. In fact, I doubt they will win a playoff game. They have a ton of talent. They are probably, top to bottom, the most talented team in all of football. But they lack something that makes champions.
Heart.
And unfortunately for the NFL's Tin Men, there is no great and powerful Oz hiding behind any curtains to give them something to cure the finger pointing, the pouting, and the arm waving. And even if there was a Wizard, nothing in his big black bag would keep Adam Jones from fighting in hotel bathrooms and seal Terrell Owens franchise destroying mouth shut.
There are plenty of instances in today's game (or the Bengals game for that matter) that I could point to that display the Cowboys problem. Whether its Tony Romo sitting on his butt crying to the officials instead of scrambling for a ball he fumbled (excuse me, "tucked") or T.O. sitting by himself on the bench, frowning like a preschooler on timeout or any of the countless other mini soap opera episodes that went on during today's game, the truth about the Dallas Cowboys was exposed today.
So I'm sorry to all the Cowboys fans who preordered your Super Bowl champs gear this summer...Unless Tony Romo and Friends find themselves a Yellow Brick Road within the next few weeks, there won't be a happy ending for "America's Team" (although it seems with Tank and Pac-Man, "America's Most Wanted Team" would be more fitting now.)
On paper, it may have looked like there wasn't anyone in the NFL that could trip up the Dallas Cowboys this year, but I think they (and us) all forgot about one team...themselves.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
I Need To Face the Music
At around 4:15 PM today, I felt exactly like a Presidential candidate with a serious skeleton in the closet. And I'm not talking a "controversial pastor"/"pregnant daughter" skeleton. I'm talking about one of those illict, truck stop men's room scandals. The kind that not only ruins your campaign, but also any hope of even being elected Dog Catcher in the forseeable future. And I realized that I needed to make a choice. Do I hide and hope the news never breaks, then deny, deny, deny if it does break? Or do I stand up, like a man, and address the people who this news may hurt, hoping to salavage my career? The choice was clear...
Readers of the Gospel According to Mikey (all six of you), I stand before you today embarrassed and ashamed. We all make mistakes in our youth, yet youth is no excuse for the transgression I am guilty of. I will be perfectly frank with you and I hope that you will find it in your hearts to forgive me and accept me as your kind of funny, way too into himself sports blogger...
Before the beginning of this NFL season, I made a Super Bowl Prediction. I chose the San Diego Chargers to represent the AFC...a pick many others made, a pick I am not ashamed to admit. It may look bleak now, but it pales in comparsion to the sin I committed with my NFC prediction. Yes readers, I am on record as stating that the Seattle Seahawks will represent the National Football Conference in the Super Bowl.
I realize now the tragic error of my ways, but of course, hindsight is 20/20. I know this fact may frighten some of you...maybe even make you doubt that I have any cognitive knowledge of sport at all. I do not want to stand before you and make excuses, but how was I to know that the receiving corp would be made up of the Walking Wounded and players whose prime was in Pop Warner? How was I to know Matt Hasselbeck, once a trusted and beloved quarterback, recieved a football talent transfusion from his brother Tim? Excuses, however, will not fix the wrong. They will not erase the shame. They will not rebuild the trust we once shared as blogger and reader.
But rest assured my friends, I have seen the error of my ways. I realize now that I was wrong. The Seattle Seahawks have wronged me. They have wronged you too. I hope that all of us together can join hands and build toward tomorrow. A better tomorrow. A tomorrow where quaterbacks complete passes. A tomorrow where the recievers being thrown to belong in the league they are currently in. A tomorrow where tackles are made, points are scored, cheers are heard. And the first step to that tomorrow is forgiveness. Allow me to rebuild your trust. Allow me to be your sports blogger, and I promise you, I will never lead you astray again. I am deeply sorry for the past but it is time to use the present to build for the future. Thank you, loyal readers. God Bless America.
Phew...I think that went well...Hopefully tomorrow, we'll begin again with my plan for the Mets...It'll do the campaign good to move away from the "football" issue and focus on baseball, something its clear I know something about...
*ring ring*
Hello?....WHAT?!? How? Who?!? MAKE IT GO AWAY!....WHATEVER IT TAKES, ANY MEANS NECESSARY! No! No! I can't issue a statement. The campaign is already reeling for the Seahawks debacle, the last thing we need is the American people to know that I picked the Mariners to win the AL West and play in the ALCS!....Alright, take care of it.
*click*
How do these Presidential candidates deal with it.
Until tomorrow, monkeys.
Readers of the Gospel According to Mikey (all six of you), I stand before you today embarrassed and ashamed. We all make mistakes in our youth, yet youth is no excuse for the transgression I am guilty of. I will be perfectly frank with you and I hope that you will find it in your hearts to forgive me and accept me as your kind of funny, way too into himself sports blogger...
Before the beginning of this NFL season, I made a Super Bowl Prediction. I chose the San Diego Chargers to represent the AFC...a pick many others made, a pick I am not ashamed to admit. It may look bleak now, but it pales in comparsion to the sin I committed with my NFC prediction. Yes readers, I am on record as stating that the Seattle Seahawks will represent the National Football Conference in the Super Bowl.
I realize now the tragic error of my ways, but of course, hindsight is 20/20. I know this fact may frighten some of you...maybe even make you doubt that I have any cognitive knowledge of sport at all. I do not want to stand before you and make excuses, but how was I to know that the receiving corp would be made up of the Walking Wounded and players whose prime was in Pop Warner? How was I to know Matt Hasselbeck, once a trusted and beloved quarterback, recieved a football talent transfusion from his brother Tim? Excuses, however, will not fix the wrong. They will not erase the shame. They will not rebuild the trust we once shared as blogger and reader.
But rest assured my friends, I have seen the error of my ways. I realize now that I was wrong. The Seattle Seahawks have wronged me. They have wronged you too. I hope that all of us together can join hands and build toward tomorrow. A better tomorrow. A tomorrow where quaterbacks complete passes. A tomorrow where the recievers being thrown to belong in the league they are currently in. A tomorrow where tackles are made, points are scored, cheers are heard. And the first step to that tomorrow is forgiveness. Allow me to rebuild your trust. Allow me to be your sports blogger, and I promise you, I will never lead you astray again. I am deeply sorry for the past but it is time to use the present to build for the future. Thank you, loyal readers. God Bless America.
Phew...I think that went well...Hopefully tomorrow, we'll begin again with my plan for the Mets...It'll do the campaign good to move away from the "football" issue and focus on baseball, something its clear I know something about...
*ring ring*
Hello?....WHAT?!? How? Who?!? MAKE IT GO AWAY!....WHATEVER IT TAKES, ANY MEANS NECESSARY! No! No! I can't issue a statement. The campaign is already reeling for the Seahawks debacle, the last thing we need is the American people to know that I picked the Mariners to win the AL West and play in the ALCS!....Alright, take care of it.
*click*
How do these Presidential candidates deal with it.
Until tomorrow, monkeys.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
The Sting of Queens Part 1
As a baseball fan, I was deeply disturbed by what I saw at Shea Stadium on that fateful September 29th. I'm no Mets fan, but I was rattled to the core by an image that has now been burned into my brain. Never before have I witnessed something so upsetting, so heartbreaking, so utterly shameful. If I were a Mets fan, I'd still be hiding in the shadows, too embarrassed to venture outdoors, too utterly mortified to show my face among other baseball fans after the mockery that was made of my franchise on the field that day.
I refer, of course, to the creepy romantic jaunt made by Tom Seaver and Mike Piazza as they "closed the door" on Shea forever, blowing kisses all the way.
Seriously...what was that all about?
But when that is the LEAST embarrassing thing your team puts on the field on a given day, then you are in some serious trouble.
To live in the New York/New Jersey area for the past week or so is to think that the Mets collapse is the worst thing in the history of upright walking mankind. Seriously, its everywhere. I swear we are a couple of days a way from the following headlines in the New York Post.
"SENATE SIGNS BAILOUT BILL: HOW DOES THIS AFFECT THE METS 'PEN?"
"PALIN/BIDEN TRADE JIBES OVER ECONOMY, ENVIROMENT, SCHOENEWEIS"
Its incredible, its obnoxious, its cringe worthy, and its exactly what I'm going to discuss in my inaugural post...Heck, I even came up with a "New York Posty" title. "Sting of Queens." Get it?!?!? Rhyming words! Pop culture! How quaint!
But seriously folks, it seems every Tom, Dick, and Jose has a plan for how to fix the Mets. I've heard everything from sign K-Rod, sign Manny, trade Wright and Reyes, leave it as is, bring Butch Huskey out of retirement...No matter what franchise saving deal you've thought of, someone has thought of it already, and theirs includes "prospects."
But can one person really fix a franchise that has choked like someone who crossed OJ three years running? The obvious answer to that question is yes. One shutdown closer and the Mets are in the postseason, no doubt about it...
Sounds eerily like the refrain we heard from the Mets faithful this time last year, does it not? "One true ace and the Mets are in the postseason, no doubt about it." The Mets brass obviously believed that too, as they went and got an ace. And not just any ace...THE ace. The best pitcher in baseball, Mr. Johan Santana. Omar Minaya pulled the trigger on a deal with the Minnesota Twins and in came Johanny-Boy on his white steed to deliever the Mets to the promised land and suddenly the heartbreak would be over and the Mets would be hoisting the Commissioner's Trophy come October 2008!!!
But as the old adage goes, something done got messed up. And its through no fault of Sir Johan of Tovar. He did not lose in his last 17 starts, pitched a masterful game on three days rest when the Mets needed it most, posted a 2.53 ERA, struck out 206 batters...basically, did everything he could to stop the Mets suffering short of building a time machine, going back to the 80s, confiscating Daryl and Doc's first bags of coke and delivering a lecture on the evils of drug use. All this with a torn knee meniscus! It was a Herculian effort that all went to waste when Jerry Manuel called upon Sweet Scotty S on September 28th, leaving Mets players and fans alike in a catatonic state.
So you finish a game out of the playoffs, add the best pitcher in the game and STILL finish a game out of the playoffs...What in the Sam Hill happened?!?! To look at the numbers, its hard to blame anyone but the batting practice pitchers the Mets called a bullpen this season. They blew more than 30 leads after the 7th inning. It got to the point where the Mets added a pitcher who had posted a 1-8 record, with a meager 5.77 ERA, and the fanbase was EXCITED, thinking a reliable arm had been found. (By the way, many congratulations to Luis Ayala for finally passing Bobby for 1st place on the "Least Reliable Ayalas of All-Time list") When Billy Wagner got injured, I wouldn't be floored if Omar Minaya sent a cake with a file in it to the Venezuelan jail that Ugueth Urbina calls home. The bullpen was god-awful and deserves a lion's share of the blame for the Mets collapse. If they could have found the strength to just blow, say, 27 save chances, they would be in postseason right now.
And you can also get nitpicky and place the blame on the shoulders of Jerry Manuel for his managerial desicions...I mean, did he not know the Marlins had Wes Helms sitting on the bench? Was he not aware that righties were hitting .333 against Schoeneweis this season? Has there ever been an easier managerial desicion than the one Fredi Gonzalez made when he saw Double S jogging to the mound?...I mean, at least have a capable righty up and ready so you can make the switch when the pinch hitter comes to the plate. At that point, you have to micromanage and do whatever it takes to win. But Jerry decided to stick with Scotty and Helms decided to stick it in the left field seats...THEN he was pulled and THEN in came a capable righty to slam the door shut on the Mar...oh wait.
But you know what folks? How about sending some of that blame to the Mets offense. 5 runs in the last three games of the season is unacceptable for this "juggernaut" of an offense. There were two on, two out with Mr. MVP (of July and August) Carlos Delgado up at the plate, with Mr. Clutch Artie Rhodes on the mound. Nothing happened. Next inning, up comes Wonderboy, the next Derek Jeter, Mr. MVP (of games that don't mean anything) David Wright...aaaand he pops out...The offense, which contained the afforementioned Wright and Delgado along with Carlos Beltran and Jose Reyes, scratched across 1 2 and 2 runs respectively against the Fish. Something ain't right about that.
And what about the architect? Omar Minaya has been held in such high regard around these parts that you'd almost think the Mets had been to the postseason more than one time during his tenure as GM. How quickly we forget that Steve Phillips (a pariah in Flushing) put together something that Omar never has...a World Series team. By all reports, he had Brian Fuentes on a silver platter around deadline day and refused to give up Aaron Heilman, who is about as welcome in Shea as George Foster is these days. He has steadfastly insisted that this is a winning team and there is no reason to shake things up. The Wilpons obviously agree as well. In fact, Ol' Fred said he believes the Mets "overachieved" this year...That's such a headscratchingly stupid remark that I won't even attempt to come up with a clever analogy.
(That being said, Omar Minaya's recent extension doesn't shock me. And for the folks who are shocked, and keep crying out "RESULTS BASED BUSINESS"...The Mets sell out, make money hand over fist, are moving into a beautiful new stadium, and move a ton of merchandise. *THAT* is the job of the General Manager. I'm sure the Wilpons (and any other owner for that matter) have no problem wiping away their "No Playoff" tears with the scads of Benjamins they've made this "failed" season. )
So now that I've accomplished in long-windedly stating what everyone already knows...How can this team go about being fixed? Is it K-Rod? Is it Manny? Is it CC? Is it Lionel Richie you're looking for?...All those questions and more will be answered in The Sting of Queens: Part II (Subtitled The Soothing Balm to Place on Said Sting to Ease the Pain and Generally Improve the Quality of Life). Stay tuned, monkeys.
Until then, go Mariners!
oh jeez.
I refer, of course, to the creepy romantic jaunt made by Tom Seaver and Mike Piazza as they "closed the door" on Shea forever, blowing kisses all the way.
Seriously...what was that all about?
But when that is the LEAST embarrassing thing your team puts on the field on a given day, then you are in some serious trouble.
To live in the New York/New Jersey area for the past week or so is to think that the Mets collapse is the worst thing in the history of upright walking mankind. Seriously, its everywhere. I swear we are a couple of days a way from the following headlines in the New York Post.
"SENATE SIGNS BAILOUT BILL: HOW DOES THIS AFFECT THE METS 'PEN?"
"PALIN/BIDEN TRADE JIBES OVER ECONOMY, ENVIROMENT, SCHOENEWEIS"
Its incredible, its obnoxious, its cringe worthy, and its exactly what I'm going to discuss in my inaugural post...Heck, I even came up with a "New York Posty" title. "Sting of Queens." Get it?!?!? Rhyming words! Pop culture! How quaint!
But seriously folks, it seems every Tom, Dick, and Jose has a plan for how to fix the Mets. I've heard everything from sign K-Rod, sign Manny, trade Wright and Reyes, leave it as is, bring Butch Huskey out of retirement...No matter what franchise saving deal you've thought of, someone has thought of it already, and theirs includes "prospects."
But can one person really fix a franchise that has choked like someone who crossed OJ three years running? The obvious answer to that question is yes. One shutdown closer and the Mets are in the postseason, no doubt about it...
Sounds eerily like the refrain we heard from the Mets faithful this time last year, does it not? "One true ace and the Mets are in the postseason, no doubt about it." The Mets brass obviously believed that too, as they went and got an ace. And not just any ace...THE ace. The best pitcher in baseball, Mr. Johan Santana. Omar Minaya pulled the trigger on a deal with the Minnesota Twins and in came Johanny-Boy on his white steed to deliever the Mets to the promised land and suddenly the heartbreak would be over and the Mets would be hoisting the Commissioner's Trophy come October 2008!!!
But as the old adage goes, something done got messed up. And its through no fault of Sir Johan of Tovar. He did not lose in his last 17 starts, pitched a masterful game on three days rest when the Mets needed it most, posted a 2.53 ERA, struck out 206 batters...basically, did everything he could to stop the Mets suffering short of building a time machine, going back to the 80s, confiscating Daryl and Doc's first bags of coke and delivering a lecture on the evils of drug use. All this with a torn knee meniscus! It was a Herculian effort that all went to waste when Jerry Manuel called upon Sweet Scotty S on September 28th, leaving Mets players and fans alike in a catatonic state.
So you finish a game out of the playoffs, add the best pitcher in the game and STILL finish a game out of the playoffs...What in the Sam Hill happened?!?! To look at the numbers, its hard to blame anyone but the batting practice pitchers the Mets called a bullpen this season. They blew more than 30 leads after the 7th inning. It got to the point where the Mets added a pitcher who had posted a 1-8 record, with a meager 5.77 ERA, and the fanbase was EXCITED, thinking a reliable arm had been found. (By the way, many congratulations to Luis Ayala for finally passing Bobby for 1st place on the "Least Reliable Ayalas of All-Time list") When Billy Wagner got injured, I wouldn't be floored if Omar Minaya sent a cake with a file in it to the Venezuelan jail that Ugueth Urbina calls home. The bullpen was god-awful and deserves a lion's share of the blame for the Mets collapse. If they could have found the strength to just blow, say, 27 save chances, they would be in postseason right now.
And you can also get nitpicky and place the blame on the shoulders of Jerry Manuel for his managerial desicions...I mean, did he not know the Marlins had Wes Helms sitting on the bench? Was he not aware that righties were hitting .333 against Schoeneweis this season? Has there ever been an easier managerial desicion than the one Fredi Gonzalez made when he saw Double S jogging to the mound?...I mean, at least have a capable righty up and ready so you can make the switch when the pinch hitter comes to the plate. At that point, you have to micromanage and do whatever it takes to win. But Jerry decided to stick with Scotty and Helms decided to stick it in the left field seats...THEN he was pulled and THEN in came a capable righty to slam the door shut on the Mar...oh wait.
But you know what folks? How about sending some of that blame to the Mets offense. 5 runs in the last three games of the season is unacceptable for this "juggernaut" of an offense. There were two on, two out with Mr. MVP (of July and August) Carlos Delgado up at the plate, with Mr. Clutch Artie Rhodes on the mound. Nothing happened. Next inning, up comes Wonderboy, the next Derek Jeter, Mr. MVP (of games that don't mean anything) David Wright...aaaand he pops out...The offense, which contained the afforementioned Wright and Delgado along with Carlos Beltran and Jose Reyes, scratched across 1 2 and 2 runs respectively against the Fish. Something ain't right about that.
And what about the architect? Omar Minaya has been held in such high regard around these parts that you'd almost think the Mets had been to the postseason more than one time during his tenure as GM. How quickly we forget that Steve Phillips (a pariah in Flushing) put together something that Omar never has...a World Series team. By all reports, he had Brian Fuentes on a silver platter around deadline day and refused to give up Aaron Heilman, who is about as welcome in Shea as George Foster is these days. He has steadfastly insisted that this is a winning team and there is no reason to shake things up. The Wilpons obviously agree as well. In fact, Ol' Fred said he believes the Mets "overachieved" this year...That's such a headscratchingly stupid remark that I won't even attempt to come up with a clever analogy.
(That being said, Omar Minaya's recent extension doesn't shock me. And for the folks who are shocked, and keep crying out "RESULTS BASED BUSINESS"...The Mets sell out, make money hand over fist, are moving into a beautiful new stadium, and move a ton of merchandise. *THAT* is the job of the General Manager. I'm sure the Wilpons (and any other owner for that matter) have no problem wiping away their "No Playoff" tears with the scads of Benjamins they've made this "failed" season. )
So now that I've accomplished in long-windedly stating what everyone already knows...How can this team go about being fixed? Is it K-Rod? Is it Manny? Is it CC? Is it Lionel Richie you're looking for?...All those questions and more will be answered in The Sting of Queens: Part II (Subtitled The Soothing Balm to Place on Said Sting to Ease the Pain and Generally Improve the Quality of Life). Stay tuned, monkeys.
Until then, go Mariners!
oh jeez.
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