Its the Most Wonderful Time of The Year!

Ahh to quote that timeless Andy Williams tune..."So whoopdeedo, and hickory dock, and don't forget to hang up your sock!"

I apologize, that has nothing to do with anything, but the lyrical genius of working "hickory dock" into a Christmas song cannot go unrecognized...

No the time of the year I'm referring to is that joyous time when you can open up the papers and read such scenarios as "New York can clinch home field w/ A. win, Tampa Bay loss OR tie, Dallas loss B. tie, Tampa Bay loss by 40 or more, Dallas tie, St. Louis leading at half time, and Milwaukee Bucks win C. loss, New York win, Dallas overtime loss, Clinton appointment to Cabinet."

And what child doesn't eagerly await dawn on December 25th, when they run downstairs to their computers and gleefully pore over the NFL's tiebreaker scenarios?!? Best net touchdowns in all games? Best combined ranking among conference teams in points scored and points allowed? Coin Toss!?!? JOYEUX NOEL!!!

For those of you who are not well-versed in the ways of the tiebreaker (read: people with lives, people with families, people with jobs, people who have lost their virginity etc. etc. ) I, your humble Gospel Giver, have decided to provide you with a comprehensive list of what exactly has to happen for each of my top four playoff contenders to find themselves hoisting the Lombardi Trophy at the end of the year. And trust me, I know these things. I picked Seattle/San Diego as the Superbowl.

Today I give you...THE AFC EDITION!

AFC:

Tennessee Titans (11-1):
Strengths: A true Thunder/Lightning running attack, the best offensive and defensive line in the AFC, a revitalized Kerry Collins.
Weakness: Lack of playmaking wide recievers (Where have you gone, Kevin Dyson?), a defensive tackle with a perchant for getting hurt/stepping on people's faces with a be-spiked foot.
Wildcard: The Disappearing Man (from both blizters and family and friends) on the bench, ready to pretend its the Rose Bowl all over again if need be.

What Needs to Happen: The Titans are a clear favorite at this point. The loss to New York did not sway me from this point. Jeff Fisher has done a hell of a job at the helm, making the tough calls and keeping everyone happy. (Except for that little outburst from Thunder himself, LenDale White...but I have a feeling poor Lenny had low blood sugar, as he had just run out of Butterscotch Krimpets) The Titans just need to stay on point, not read their own clippings, and focus on the task at hand. Get ahead early, and then just keep on running. That's not to say its IMPOSSIBLE that Kerry Collins could lead them back from a deficet. He's done it before. However, come playoff time, you always want to be in the comfort zone...If they can dominate up front on both sides of the field, let the running do the talking, and keep Kerry Collins protected (and sober), the Titans should be playing in Miami come February.


Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3)
Strengths: Possibly the best overall defense in the NFL, highlighted by a brutal pass rush, a quarterback with postseason experience, a coach that looks like Omar Epps.
Weaknesses: Possibly the worst offensive line of any contending team in the NFL, highlighted by the amount of times their quarterback is brutally pass rushed, the single most difficult schedule since my 1st semester sophomore year (1.6 at midterm, thank you very much.)
Wildcard: Willie Parker slowly but surely returning to form.

What Needs To Happen: Boy this team gets no breaks do they? It seems like week after week, they are playing a "tough one." Yet they've hit that 9 win plateau that many said they'd be lucky to reach. Hats off to Steely McBeam (who was tossed from the Village People for being "too obvious") and the Steelers! If not for their offensive line troubles, I'd say the Steelers might be the favorite for the AFC crown, even with Tennessee. But as the wise philosopher Jim Ross once said..."If wishes were fishes, the whole world would be an ocean!" Fact of the matter is the Steelers do not match up well with the Artists Formerly Known as the Oilers. A playoff matchup with them would leave Big Ben wishing he was back on his motorcycle...Pittsburgh has to hope the Titans fall victim to an early upset to a team they match up favorably with in order to win themselves an AFC Title.


New York Jets:
Strengths: A great offense, anchored by a road grading line, a 1,000 yard rusher, and a quarterback who you may or may not be familiar with.
Weaknesses: Inconsistency, a hobby of reading the New York Post in the week following a victory.

What Needs To Happen: When the Jets defeated the Titans in Tennesseee, the Gotham sports media was already printing the Jets/Giants Superbowl merchandise. However, Denver beat the J-E-T-S pretty soundly in last Sunday's Inconsistency Bowl. The question everyone is asking is "Who are the Jets?" Are they the championship contenders who put a whoopin' on the Titans? Or are they the also-rans who lost to The Oakland Retirement Home (Where superstars and high expectations go to die)? Usually when you are asking yourself this question, you are dealing with a streaky team who isn't as good as die-hards think, but not as bad as doubters think...Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2008 New York Jets!!! Fact of the matter is the Jets (both the team and the cleverly nicknamed Favre) are at a point where they are way too inconsistent for me to consider them a Super Bowl team. Brett the Jett (I feel ill) has looked like the MVP some weeks and just another GUNSLINGAH in others. I could see the Jets losing in the first round. I could see the Jets in the AFC Title game. In that situation, the rule of thumb is pick that team out in Round 2. So there you go. For the Jets to be a serious threat, they need to be clicking on all cylinaders come January.


Indianapolis Colts (8-4):
Strengths: Peyton Manning
Weaknesses: Everything else.

What Needs to Happen: Oh Colts fans I'm just joshin' ya. They have plenty of offensive firepower...but only when Peyton is there to call goofy audibles. Without Manning, this team is hanging out with Oakland and Kansas City in the "Already Eliminated" Section of the Playoff Scenarios. And on the opposite side of the ball, they've got the same issue. The defense is shaky at best when Bob Sanders is on the field. The only issue with that is his yearly transformation from Bald Bull to Glass Joe. Personally, I think he just fakes injuries so that everyone realizes how important he is. So now that the "ARE THE COLTS FINISHED?!?" dust has settled, here they sit at 8-4. They will almost certainly be a wild card team. But both Manning and Sanders will be healthy and hungry come playoff time. I don't care who you are or where you play, you do not want to see Petyon under center come playoff time. All the sportswriting public has done has fed this beast. "Peyton is done." "The Colts are done." "Eli's a better QB." "Eli's a better Double Stuft eater." Writing off Peyton Manning is like feeding a Mogwai after midnight, people. You just don't do it. And when the Colts win the AFC, all of you people who let them slide under the radar will only have yourselves to blame.



The Rest of the Gang:
(Quick and dirty edition)
New England Patriots (7-5)

What Needs To Happen: The whole Brady injury being the biggest Belichick fake out of all time. Come on, if there's one coach who you can see pulling it off, its gotta be the Sultan of Sweatshirt, right?

Baltimore Ravens (8-4)

What Needs to Happen: This team just plain isn't as good as the rest of the AFC contenders. Good record, good season, good pick in Flacco. But they just remind me of a lame version of the Steelers team that 15-1 and lost in the 2nd round. Sorry guys, maybe next year.

Denver Broncos (7-5)

What Needs to Happen: Shanny steps into the wayback machine and picks up Steve Atwater, John Mobley and Neil Smith. The offense is Super Bowl good. The defense is Powder Puff bad. If the defense were better, nothing would stop me from picking this team from pulling a Giants and shocking everyone all the way to Miami. Its sad.


Miami Dolphins (7-5)

What Needs to Happen: A miracle.




There you have it folks. My half baked take on everything that is AFC contenders. Hopefully you can tear yourselves away from studying the Net Points Scored scenarios in the NFC South to read my NFC edition later this week. Then when everything I said is proven incorrect, be sure to check back and read my try to pretend I didn't mean all this!

Until then, this has been the Gospel.